The Insider is an ALC student publication. The articles reflect the
opinions and views of ALC students and do not necessarily reflect
the views of either the ALC or of
In case you don’t get it, this is our Aprils Fool’s edition. Every
story in this issue of our newspaper is completely made-up…
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ALC’s Mr.
Langseth wins Mr. Universe competition |
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ALC’s
Gothic couple are lab creations! ALC students were surprised to learn that their favorite gothic couple, Ryan White and Dez Briski, are not what they’ve always seemed. Everyone assumed Ryan and Dez were ordinary kids who just preferred to dress in black. But it has recently been disclosed that Ryan and Dez are, in fact, laboratory creations. The truth came to light when Ryan had a check up at the local clinic. Tests revealed that each of Ryan’s organs contained DNA tissue distinct and different from each of his other organs. “The simple fact is that each organ comes from a different source,” explained Dr. Lazlo Krablazian. “The only explanation is that Ryan was stitched together from numerous body parts.” Separate medical tests revealed that Dez was likewise cobbled together with body parts taken from different sources. Information provided by the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) revealed that Ryan and Dez first came to American in 1987 and that they came here from Transylvania. “I have vague memories of living in the castle of a Dr. Victor Frankenstein,” said Dez “But I can’t remember if he was my father.” (Continued à) |
The
ALC’s favorite gothic couple are
lab creations! Ryan’s memories of his time in Ryan’s earliest distinct memory is of the day he first met Dez. “From the moment I saw her,” said Ryan, “I
knew we were made for each
other. I’m just not sure who it was
who made us.” Initially, Ryan and Dez were hurt and
shocked by the revelations made by the INS.
“At first we considered suing,” said Ryan. But as Dez explained, “After discussions
with attorneys from the firm of Dewey, Cheetham and Howe, we were made to see
that we really didn’t have a case.” As
Ryan put it, “We couldn’t sue the INS for revealing the truth – that we are
laboratory creations. And we can’t sue
Dr. Frankenstein because Dez looks at the bright side. As she puts it, “A lot of kids look at
their parents and say, ‘yuch – I don’t want to be like those two.’ But I have like, fifty parents. Or sort of.” |
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The
great With
temperatures in the 70s and the ice on Reporters at the scene witnessed a 20
foot long great white shark as it attacked a young child. The shark actually managed to swallow the
poor kid alive. Parents also witnessed the event and couldn’t believe what
their eyes were seeing. (Continued à)
This map
shows the precise location of the recent |
A
twenty foot long great white shark was recently seen in the waters of Lake Okabena Despite the fact that the shark
swallowed the child, quick thinking by the Worthington Rescue Squad managed
to save the day. Scuba divers went
into the lake and captured the shark.
An ambulance was then dispatched to take the creature to One of the doctors on duty pumped the
shark’s belly to get the child out. When they finally got the kid out, his
parents asked him if he was okay and he said, “ah yeah!” All sorts of
weird questions followed such as “What does a shark’s belly look like in the
inside?” or “What did it feel like being inside the shark’s belly?” The young victim swore revenge upon the
shark. Consequently, members of the
Rescue Squad quickly returned the shark to the waters of |
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The
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Mr.
Langseth wins Mr. Universe title When the school board announced the restructuring of Mr. Langseth’s Dean of Students position to .50 FTE, many people were shocked. Mr. Langseth, however, was not among those. “I had anticipated this for some time,” he told The Insider. “The way I look at things, when one door closes, another one opens,” he said. “I just decided to put other skills I have to work.” Most people are aware that Langseth has operated a tree business called Prairieland Nursey for many years. The constant climbing and cutting of trees developed his physique to a degree comparable to many body builders. “The way I figured it,” said Langesth, “it was time to become a body builder. Just look what it did for Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger.” Langseth immediately entered the Mr. Minnesota contest where he took first prize. He advanced to the Mr. America contest where he also won top honors. From there he went on to the Mr. Universe contest where he competed with top body builders from all over the world. “Most body builders are pretty much locked into weight lifting,” explained Langseth. “They don’t explore other (Continued à) |
Mr. Universe
2005 potentially beneficial avenues for training.” Langseth pointed to the Sylvester Stallone Rocky character as an example. “Look how the hours spent each day pounding sides of beef helped out Rocky,” he said. “Wrestling with trees for year after year has done the same thing for me.” Langseth isn’t sure where his new Mr. Universe title will take him. “Perhaps I’ll get paid to appear on boxes of Wheaties,” he said. “Or perhaps I’ll enter politics like Arnold or Jesse.” Whatever his future, Langseth is optimistic. “There’s always opportunities, and tomorrow is another day.” He closed with this comment: “Hasta la vista, baby.” |
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Bush
carves self on Mount Rushmore Renames
monument Secretary of the Interior Gale E.
Norton announced today that the National Park Service will rename This follows the Bush Adminstration’s decision to have President Thomas Jefferson’s likeness removed from the monument and to have President George W. Bush’s likeness carved in its place. “Basically, we
wanted to remove any Democratic Party influence from the sacred monument”
said Vice-president Dick Cheney.
“Abraham Lincoln was a Republican, as was Theodore Roosevelt. George
Washington was not a member of any political party,” added the
Vice-president. “But (Continued à)
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Washington,
Bush, Roosevelt and Lincoln: The new
faces of Mount Bushmore Democratic
Party leaders noted that Former
President Bill Clinton described the action as self-serving. “Leave it to George W. Bush to build a
monument to himself,” said the former president. Vice-president
Cheney, however, noted that the deed has already been done. “We used fifty tons of TNT to wipe |
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Elvis seen
at ALC! It started as a rumor whispered from student to student. Soon it was the talk of the entire school. By the end of the week, numerous ALC students insisted they had seen Elvis wandering the hallways of their building on March eighteenth. But how could
it possibly be? Everyone knows that
rock legend Elvis Presley expired back in 1975 while sitting on a toilet in
his “Maybe it has
something to do with the Michael Jackson trial,” speculated ALC student Cody
Phrommony. “You’ve got to remember
that Others were open to the possibility of involvement of extraterrestrials. “Elvis was pretty much a space cadet,” said ALC (Continued à) |
Elvis
sighting or mistaken identity? student Ramon Barraza. “Maybe a flying saucer from the planet Frunabulax dropped him off at our door. It makes as much sense as anything.” Still others considered the possibility of mistaken identity. Alie Paine pointed out that the Elvis sightings were made the morning after St. Patrick’s Day. “I wonder if what people actually saw was Mr. Lowry having your basic bad-hair day,” she said. “You’ve got to admit – it’s a possibility.” |
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