The Insider is an ALC student publication. The articles reflect the

opinions and views of ALC students and do not necessarily reflect

the views of either the ALC or of Independent School District 518.

In case you don’t get it, this is our Aprils Fool’s edition. Every

story in this issue of our newspaper is completely made-up…

ALC student now a roller derby queen! 

April 1, 2006

Samantha’s Surprise	Teachers get extreme make-overs
David gets down and gets busy	Sharks in Lake Okabena!!

The Insider April 1, 2006 Page 2

Shocking news! By Beatriz E. Hello ALC Students! My sources say that David M. was seen doing actual school work. Sad but true. Is it possible that he could be transforming himself into a role model student? I was told by a friend of a friend that last week, while wondering the halls, Adrian M. accidentally wondered into Mr. Lowry’s class and caught David in the act of school work. I didn’t believe it either so I went straight to the source. And yes, Mr. Lowry confirmed that David completed one worksheet – by himself!. He also confirmed that after all of the hard work David wouldn’t be quiet. Out of absolute frustration Mr. Lowry made him a deal: If David could follow one simple instruction, he would pass the class with an A. What was that simple instruction, you ask? David is not aloud to speak one word in Mr. Lowry’s presence until the end of the quarter. Could this mean that David is changing into a good boy? Should we be scared of this transformation? How long will this last? It is unsure where this new motivation is going to lead, but we will be the first ones to let you know. So be watching The Insider to see what amazing things David has in store for next week.

Two ALC teachers get hair make-overs… Everyone at the ALC knows that Sing P. is an expert at doing hair. Many ALC students have had their hair braided, cut, or otherwise styled by Sing. This week, two ALC teachers received the Sing treatment. Mr. Hyvari and Mr. Lowry both received a new hair styles, courtesy of Sing. Both are extremely happy with the results. Sing described the style he gave to Mr. Lowry as “sort of a retro-Elvis thing.” Sing said the style “places Mr. Lowry in a certain epoch, a certain time period associated with things greasy.” Mr. Hyvari’s new style is more simple and direct. “Mr. Hyvari needed more than a new style,” said Sing. “He needed new hair, to begin with, so we gave him some hair.” Everyone agrees that when it comes to hair, Sing is the man.

The Insider April 1, 2006 Page 3
The great Lake Okabena shark attack With temperatures warming and the ice on Lake Okabena melting, it was inevitable that swimmers would make their appearance. As fate would have it, several swimmers and a shark appeared in the lake last week! Reporters at the scene witnessed a 20 foot long great white shark as it attacked a young child. The shark actually managed to swallow the poor kid alive. Parents also witnessed the event and couldn’t believe what their eyes were seeing. (Continued à) This map shows the precise location of the recent Lake Okabena great white shark attack	A twenty foot long great white shark was recently seen in the waters of Lake Okabena Despite the fact that the shark swallowed the child, quick thinking by the Worthington Rescue Squad managed to save the day. Scuba divers went into the lake and captured the shark. An ambulance was then dispatched to take the creature to Worthington Regional Hospital One of the doctors on duty pumped the shark’s belly to get the child out. When they finally got the kid out, his parents asked him if he was okay and he said, “ah yeah!”  All sorts of weird questions followed such as “What does a shark’s belly look like in the inside?” or “What did it feel like being inside the shark’s belly?” The young victim swore revenge upon the shark. Consequently, members of the Rescue Squad quickly returned the shark to the waters of Lake Okabena. “We don’t want anyone harming this animal,” said one rescue worker. “That would create all sorts of trouble with the animal rights people, and we don’t want that.”
Animation by www.hugkiss.com

The Insider April 1, 2006 Page 4

Dangerous chemical found in Lake Okabena Tests have shown that Lake Okabena is highly contaminated with Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO). DHMO is a chemical comprised of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. According to an unnamed source at the Dihydrogen Monoxide Research Institute (DMRI), “Lake Okabena contains some of the largest quanitities of DHMO found in Nobles County.” City and County officials have remained quiet about the DMRI’s report. However, some individuals spoke on condition that their identity be kept confidential. These officials claim that Lake Okabena DHMO levels are “off the chart” and among “the worst we have ever seen.” One individual said that Okabena DHMO levels “are as high as DHMO levels can be. They are almost pure!” Many risks are associated with DHMO. Before long we may see many problems here in Worthington associated with this compound. Risks associated with DHMO include: Acid rain Soil erosion Corrosion of metals Possible death from inhalation Burns caused by DHMO in gaseous form Unusual wear and tear to roofing and siding (Continued à)

The arrows show how DHMO contamination enters Lake Okabena Thankfully, Worthington resident do not get their drinking water from Lake Okabena. Worthington’s city water supply comes from a series of wells south of town. While it is not known if DHMO has seeped into the city wells, the possibility has many concerned. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion may include excessive seating and urination. Some have reported feeling bloated and nauseous after consuming the substance. For those who have become completely dependent on the compound, DHMO withdrawal can mean death! (Click here to read more.) Sadly, quantities of DHMO have been found in almost every river, lake and pond in America! The dangerous contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of damage here in Minnesota. The damage to the nation is in the billions. It’s time to do something about this silent killer. Contact your Senators and Representatives today and demand a ban on the production of DHMO.

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ALC Student is a roller derby queen Everyone acquainted with Jookie X knows that she’s the type of girl who comes and goes. We see her around the ALC for weeks on end. But then she ups and disappears. Just where does Jookie go on her periodic absences. It was recently discovered that our dear friend Jookie heads on down to Kansas City when she disappears from Worthington. And just what does Jookie do down in Kansas City? She’s a roller derby queen! Jookie has been a member of the Kansas City Bombers for going on three years. The Bombers are Kansas City’s franchise in the Women’s World Roller Derby League. The Bombers have matches against 12 other Roller Derby teams in cities from Los Angeles to Boston and all points in between. Roller Derby is a rough sport where participants race around a track while trying to knock members of the opposing teams off of that track. “I love the roughness of the sport,” Jookie told The Insider. “It’s the greatest,” she said, “I get paid for knocking people down.” Salaries for the Bombers are actually quite low. While it is a professional sports league, it isn’t like playing in the NBA. Jookie gets paid $50 per match. She usually skates in six to seven matches per month. “I can earn an extra $350 per month doing this,” Jookie said. “It beats the heck out of flipping burgers at McDondalds.” (Continued à)

Jookie suits up for a match with the Bombers When asked what else she likes about being a Bomber, Jookie had this to say: “I love the outfits the girls wear while on the track. It’s all spandex and fishnet stockings.” Jookie also enjoys the travel, though sometimes that travel can be stressful. “The Bombers can’t afford to send us on planes to our matches,” Jookie explained. “We’re forced to travel on Greyhound buses. Let me tell you, riding a greyhound from Boston back to Worthington is a tough ride, especially when you’ve had a mean match and are physically beaten up.” But Jookie says it’s all worth it. “I just love working and sweating with all the other Roller Derby babes,” she said.

ALC Insider April 1, 2006 Page 6

By Tammy J.

Most of you know that Samantha is pregnant. You may have also noticed that she has been missing quite a bit of school. No big news flash right? We all know she’s pregnant and it’s pretty normal to miss class due to morning sickness.

But lately, Samantha has been missing way too many days. Is something wrong with her? Have any of our readers wondered why Samantha has been eating so much? I mean, Burger King every morning!

I found out why!!!!!!! She is eating for seven!!!!!! Yes loyal readers. Samantha is having sextuplets. Not twins, not triplets, not even quadruplets. She’s going to have six babies!

Samantha had an ultrasound yesterday and it confirmed that she has six healthy babies growing inside her. Stick with The Insider for the ever-expanding details of Samantha and her unusual pregnancy. 

This week’s separated at birth…

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